Broken

Where do I begin?

I've been staring at my screen for what seems like forever, trying to search for the words but I just don't know what to say. Or how to say it.

Funny how things can look so optimistic one second and the next, everything's burning up in front of you. I really don't understand how things could get so shitty so quickly. I've been looking back at the past few weeks, trying to pinpoint when things started breaking down but when I look back now, all I can see is how broken it was from the beginning. How could I have been so blind, so stupid?

You attacked me. Not physically, but verbally. Although it did feel like a physical attack since the words you said felt like a punch to my chest. How could you do that to me? I know I didn't deserve that kind of treatment from you so why? I never did anything to you. I never spread any rumors about us, never uttered a bad word about you. In fact, I always defended you! But how could you even know that, right? You never asked. You straight up just assumed the worst of me and accused me of doing these things that I would never in a million years even think about doing. Maybe that's what hurt the most. I thought you'd know me better than that after everything but you don't.

I never demanded anything from you. I knew what we were doing. I knew what it was all about for you. Did you hear me complain? Did you hear me demand for more? Did I make you feel that I wanted more? Honestly, please tell me. Because I didn't. I hid all my feelings for you in the deepest recesses of my heart. I pretended to be so aloof that sometimes, I even felt like I was starting to fool myself into thinking that I didn't care about you. So where the hell is all this anger coming from? Please justify yourself because I don't deserve any of this.

You know, I was getting along fine ever since you two started hanging out again. I got the message. I was already keeping my distance. But you just had to stir up some drama, didn't you? You just had to make things harder for me. Breaking my heart wasn't enough for you, you had to destroy me. Well, congratulations! You win. You broke me in ways I didn't even know was possible. You took what was left of my dignity, my self-worth, and you smashed it to tiny little pieces and walked all over them. So fuck you. Fuck you for breaking me. And fuck me for allowing you to do that to me.

I Wish

I wish I could tell you everything. I wish I could tell you that you're on my mind, as always. I wish I could tell you that I'm tired of this limbo you've put me through and that I want something definitive now. I wish I could tell you that the reason why I've been so depressed lately is because of you. I wish I could tell you that I've been crying my eyes out because I'm hurt, this hurts. I wish I could tell you that I've been waiting and waiting and waiting some more and now that you're ready, I want you to choose me. I wish I could tell you that I want you, I want you so much and I want you all for myself. I wish I could tell you that I need your touch, I crave your lips, I look for your eyes, I miss your hugs, and so much more. I wish I could tell you that my feelings for you grow stronger and stronger each day that I can feel all this love overflowing out of me. I wish I could tell you all these things but I can't. I'm scared. I'm so scared.

I wish it was easy for me to talk about these things to you. I really do. I want so much to open up to you but I just can't.

Ready Set Go

I still can't get over it. I don't know if you were joking or if you actually meant it this time but I can't stop thinking about it. It has been bugging me for days now and I want to ask you but I don't think that's a good idea. I don't want you to assume that I'm waiting for you. Even though, technically I am. But that's something I don't want you to know. Ever.

It's driving me crazy. I can't stop thinking what's with the sudden change of heart? Is it because of me? Is it because of someone else? I was actually in a good place already. I finally got to accept that it's just not in the cards for us right now but then you just had to throw a curve ball right at me, didn't you?

I don't even want to assume that you meant me. Come on, I'm not that conceited. And confident. And self-assured. I know I've been telling myself a lot recently that maybe I'm the only girl you're dating/seeing right now but it's just something I tell myself at night to keep the monsters away. I don't actually think that at all. I know you. I know you so well even though you don't want to admit it to me. But I can't help it though. It feels so nice to think that maybe you're actually starting to see that this is something that could work, something that could last in the long run. It feels so much better to think that all the pain I went through for you is finally paying off. And you know I've been very patient with you. I stood beside you amidst all the bullshit and it's nice to think that you're finally noticing that. I can't help but think that you're finally seeing me staying with you as a sign that I'm really serious about this, that I really wanna be with you.

It's foolish of me to think these things because I know deep down, none of it is true. At the end of the day, you're never gonna pick me. There's always gonna be someone else. And that's why it hurts like hell. Coz you're ready now but not for me.

Always You

No more expectations, that's what I told myself this year. And so far, I think I've been doing a great job of keeping that resolution. I've been playing it real cool with you which makes things so much easier for me now. I've accepted the fact that we'll always just be like this. But just because I've accepted that truth doesn't mean that my feelings for you won't grow stronger and stronger every day. Because it will, it has, it is.

I love having you to myself. You show a side of yourself that you never reveal when we're with other people and I love it. I get to have a piece of you that no one else can. Just like how no one else can have this piece of my heart that I'm saving just for you.

You hug me from behind and fill my cheek with kisses. That's my favorite part. Always. Coming in a close second is lying in bed with you, arms wrapped around each other, my head on your chest, legs tangled together.

NYE

New Year's Eve!! I can't believe 2012 is ending in 3 hours! It's scary how fast time flies even when you're not having fun. But I'm glad this year is almost over. 2012 has been so shitty so I can't wait what 2013 has in store for me. Hopefully nothing but good things!! :)

Thank you 2012 for a lot of things. You've been real shitty to me but you definitely made me learn a lot of lessons. This year I've been in a relationship, been single, been in some kind of love limbo, alone lonely hurt happy sad stressed excited lost overwhelmed but mostly just okay. I spent half of the year being with someone that when we broke things off, I was at a loss. I didn't know how to go on by myself. There were days where I felt like I made such a huge mistake but looking back now, I'm glad I made that decision for myself. I am much better now. I'm not exactly there yet but I'm getting there.

The thing I'm most thankful for this year is the fact that I got to be with my friends a lot. I probably would have gone insane if I didn't have any of them in my life. They always knew how to cheer me up, whether through jokes, alcohol or just simply being there for me. So thank you guys. I wish I could give all of you a hug and a kiss right now just because you're all so freaking amazing for bearing with all my shit this year. :)

I'm excited for 2013. I'm definitely ready for a clean slate. I will be happier this year. I just know it. :)

Happy New Year everyone!

Christmas Eve

Seasons greetings from Singapore! I'm currently on vacation and I came here to visit my relatives for the holidays. It's been a very busy past few days so far; full of walking and shopping! My body is so sore from all the walking and I can't help but get tired easily since I have no exercise whatsoever. I'm so exhausted right now that I feel like I'm gonna end up falling asleep on my laptop. Not good.

It's always nice to spend some quality time with my relatives but too much of it is never a good thing. I have this problem that I get annoyed easily with my relatives that's why I spend as little time with them as possible. Even with my mom! But this two week vacation is seriously testing my patience. It's only been 4 days and already I feel so irritated with all of them! It's nothing personal, really. I just don't like them being all up in my business and personal space. I miss my friends already. They're the only ones who know how to keep me sane. I can't wait to go back to Manila and go back to my normal routine.

I miss him. Although, I love the fact that we talk every day. We always send messages through Whatsapp and even go on FaceTime once in awhile. It's all really sweet, to be honest. Sigh.

I'm a bunch of emotions right now and I just really need to be alone with some cigs and beer. But instead, I'm going down to the living room to watch a movie with my relatives and endure some more torture. Cheers!

The Ghost Of You

I thought I saw you last night. I was headed out of the bar, ready to go home when I looked to my right and stopped dead on my tracks. My heart started beating faster and my breath got caught up in my throat. You had your back to me so you didn't see me. I immediately felt a wave of emotions come over me. I could feel myself walking towards you, wanting to reach out. But before I could do anything, I stopped myself and realized that wasn't you. I ended up chuckling and thinking what a relief or else I would have made a fool of myself.

I realized today that you're becoming more and more of a ghost. I can see you but I can't touch you. I can feel you but all I feel is coldness. You haunt me every day.