Long Nights Ahead

Spending my Saturday night at home is something I'll never get used to just because I hate being alone. I love being surrounded by people and as much as possible I try to avoid being by myself. It sucks. When I'm by myself, I can't help but be reminded of all the shitty things in my life. I just end up wasting my night thinking about him..

But I want to change that. I don't want to be afraid of being by myself anymore. I have to make more of an effort to fight this fear. Nights like these, I should be focusing on myself and no one else. I won't let him win this time.

I need to do this for myself. I have to be content with just being alone. I don't know how long I'm gonna have to go through life without someone by my side so I better get used to it already. And I'm starting tonight.

Always Here For You

After everything that I found out, I still can't resist you. What the hell is wrong with me? Just one look, one smile, one hello, one text from you and it's like you never did anything wrong. I'm mad at you. I'm fuming! But I still want to talk to you. I still want to be with you. Why? Am I really that stupid? Am I really that stubborn? Have I fallen so deep that I can't dig myself out anymore?

I accepted everything. When I found out about your past indiscretions, I accepted it. But now you're just deliberately doing this. You know how I feel about you so please have the decency to let me know if this is going anywhere. Coz I've been putting myself out there for you every day and you don't know how pathetic that makes me feel. But I still do it because I like you. I want you. I just can't deny it anymore.

I wish I can tell you these things but I'm scared. I don't wanna lose you which is pretty ironic since I can't even call you my own.

"One day, you realise that there are some people you'll never see again. At least, not in the same way." (IWTFY, 2012)

Keep doing this to me and you'll end up becoming a stranger. I won't always make excuses for your actions. I won't always defend you to my friends, to myself.

Playing Games

You are so confusing. Why can't you just be straight with me? I told you how I felt but that doesn't give you a reason to use that against me. That doesn't give you an excuse to tell me that you need me then act like you don't know me the next day. That doesn't give you the right to tell me that you want me then ignore me the next minute. Why do we have to keep playing these games? Why do I still let you play me?

I thought things would be easier if I told you how I felt. I thought I could start moving on. But all it did was give you more unnecessary power over me. I wish I could just quit you, cold turkey style but I know deep down it's not gonna happen.