A Week-Long Affair

I lost my phone tonight. And not just any phone, no. This phone is an iPhone 4S that I bought exactly a week ago with my hard earned money. I shelled out so much cash for this phone that I am literally so broke right now, I don't even know how I'll feed myself.

I knew it. I knew I shouldn't have gone out tonight. I already had a bad feeling the whole day that if I go out, something shitty was bound to happen. But of course, I ignored my gut feeling and still went out coz I didn't want to ditch my friend since "it's Halloween!" and "it's been ages since we last we went out!". So off I went willingly into my own demise.

I just can't believe this happened to me. There were a shitload of people inside that fucking club and I was the one that was targeted? Oh come on!! Seriously. Why me? Why did it have to be me? I just don't get it. I've never lost my phone before so why now? Is the universe trying to teach me a lesson or is it just trying to piss me off for real? And can we just talk about how I paid for that phone with my hard earned money? The hundred of hours I put into work all down the drain. It's just so fucking unfair.

I guess this post could come off as petty and shallow but it's not. It's a big deal for me. My whole life is in that phone and I can't believe some asshole stranger is now going through my life without my permission. My friends told me that the guy will get his karma soon but I'd rather just beat him up instead. I know it's my fault that my phone is gone coz I was probably being way too lax with my stuff but still, you're an ass for taking advantage of that. So thank you, asshole for making me work my ass off in the hopes of rewarding myself with a nice gadget only to have it taken away from me a week later. Thanks, a lot.

It's Not Gonna Happen Tonight

It's 3:45am. I'm at home, fixing my iTunes playlists (how exciting!) when my phone flashes that bright white light indicating a new message. I check it, already knowing what to expect. I see your name flashing. "R u out?" Yep, right on cue. I take a deep sigh and put my phone down. I contemplate replying but stop myself midway. No, you are not a booty call, I think to myself before going back to what I was originally doing. You both know where this will end if you reply so just stop it. You deserve better than this. Trying to convince yourself is a harder task when all you wanna do is give in.

I stop and think what I would have done if I was out tonight. What if my friend didn't text me too late and I was able to go out and have drinks with her? Would I have been too intoxicated by now to make any sound decisions? Would I have replied drunkenly a "Pick me uppppp" message? Would we be driving to your place right now, hands entwined and kissing whenever we'd reach a red light? Would we be going up your stairs and into your room where you'd push me to your bed and hurriedly take off each other's clothes? Would I be on my back and you on top and us moving up and down, up and down? Would you be touching, licking, kissing every part of my body? Would you be calling me "baby" by now? Would I be moaning and screaming and cursing? Would we be switching positions by now, from missionary to cowgirl to doggie? Would you be coming on my back and wiping it off after? Would we be cuddling and kissing some more and staring at each other and eventually falling asleep from exhaustion?

I'd like to think we'd be at least halfway done by now but we're not. You're there and I'm here. Maybe next time.

Not So Usual

Home on a Friday night. I'm so not used to this anymore. I was supposed to chill in a coffee shop again but I just didn't feel like being alone in a crowded place so I just went home instead. At least I can be alone at home and not have strangers think what a loser I am. I can be alone peacefully. Actually, I really didn't want to go home early tonight. I wanted to go out, drink a bit and just dance my ass off. But as always, life had other plans for me. So here I am, sitting on my fat ass and writing. Now I'm starting to think what a loser I am.

I've started reading again. I just finished reading Perks Of Being A Wallflower and halfway done with Looking For Alaska. I'm really glad I'm reading again after so long. I literally felt like my brain was dying from lack of reading so having to dive into such depressing books is like a cold shower; refreshing and awakening. I'm not sure why I lost interest in reading since I have a shitload of books still waiting to be read. I guess I just felt so pressured to read all these books that it just lost its appeal. But this time, I'm reading because I just want to. No pressure.

I've had a bit of good news at work lately. This month will be my last month in this wretched 3pm-12mn shift! I'll be back to 11am-8pm shift by next month which only means one thing: my social life is back! I'll finally be able to hang out with my friends on a daily basis instead of just seeing them on Friday or Saturday nights. Yes, I'm a very clingy friend. Especially now when I'm going through all these emotions!

Speaking of emotions, I feel like I'm going to explode anytime soon. I just have too much for this small body of mine to contain. Sometimes I find myself wishing that I could just stop feeling. I just want to be numb to everything. But I can't. I can't stop feeling. And it sucks coz all these emotions are getting me nowhere.

Fix Your Life

I'm weird? Are you serious right now? You're kidding me, right? I'm not the one who didn't text or make a move all weekend long then you'll tell me I'm weird? Tell me right now, what the fuck do you want from me? What the fuck do you expect from me? What are we even doing? Please, enlighten me what the hell this is because I think my being "weird" is more than justified.

I'm not being weird. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how I should act. Do you know how frustrating it is to not know what I am to you? I feel like I'm stuck in between being a friend and a lover to you. I can't be like that anymore. I don't want to be like that anymore! I'm either just a friend or I'm something more than that. So don't open up to me during our late night conversations then pretend like nothing happened the following day because that just drives me crazy! I don't know whether you were being honest and genuine with me or you were just trying to play some game with me. Please don't make me doubt myself any more than I already do.

I don't know what to think anymore. I'm so tired of having to make up excuses for your behavior. I'm so sick of understanding already. You told me you were difficult but honestly, I don't think you are. I think you just don't know what you want. So do me a favor and figure out what you want coz I am so close to walking out of that door.

No girl deserves this kind of crap. And I sure as hell don't deserve this shitty treatment from you when all I've ever done is be there for you.

Alone Is The New Black

If I could describe myself in one word, it would be alone. Lonely would be another word but let's talk about that some other time. I am alone. And I will be alone for awhile. It's not necessarily a bad thing since I've realized that it's good to be alone. It's not so bad.

I've always felt alone. I could pretend to be a psychologist and pinpoint it to the fact that I am an only child but regardless, it's an emotion I've felt all throughout my existence. And it's one that I'm starting to embrace.

I love to surround myself with people but lately, it just doesn't seem to work anymore. I could shut off my feelings before but I think I broke the switch. Now, I just feel more alone whenever I'm with anyone. So, I had this brilliant idea to be alone. For once, I wanted to try being by myself. I went to a coffee shop, bought myself a green tea frappe and salad, settled down in a corner, plugged in my iPod and started writing. At first, it felt daunting. I felt uncomfortable. But as the minutes passed, I slowly eased into it. Soon enough, I found myself enjoying it! I didn't care if I looked like some friendless loser spending Friday night by myself instead of going to a raging party at some club. I was alone and it felt good.

I tried it again earlier. I went to a coffee shop, ordered some food and retreated into a corner with my music and cigs. I realized then that it felt good to be alone because I could just focus on myself. I had no one to talk to except for myself. Well, of course I didn't talk to myself out loud since I didn't want anyone to think I was crazy or something. But I did have a conversation with myself. In my head. And we got to sort out a lot of things.

I really like being alone now. I'm actually looking forward to more alone days. I think this is exactly what I need right now. I just need to be by myself and figure things out, get to know myself some more and just be comfortable with the idea of being alone. I don't understand why it seems like taboo to be alone because honestly, I think we all need to be alone once in awhile.

Long Time Coming

It's been awhile since my last entry. I'm not exactly sure why I haven't written in awhile. I've been going out a lot lately, trying to keep myself busy. I don't really like staying at home since it just amplifies the lonely feeling. So I'd rather go out, spend almost all of my cash, drink and party than have to face being alone.

It hasn't been so bad. It was definitely an eventful September. It makes me sad that I didn't get to write down my feelings during these memorable experiences. As much as possible, I want to put down into words everything I'm feeling so having to miss out on jotting down my thoughts, my feelings sucks.

Anyway, enough about that.

Work has been crazy. I was in charge of a couple of stuff which was fun. It's always nice whenever I get entrusted with extra responsibilities. More work means less time to be idle means less time to think.

I've been going out every Friday and Saturday with friends. I'm usually out on bars during Fridays while Saturdays are usually just low key hang outs. The one thing that both days have in common is alcohol. Lots and lots of it. I've also been meeting new people which is always good. I remember telling myself that it's time for me to go out there and widen my circle of friends. Speaking of circle of friends, I have another close friend leaving the country. Sigh. I don't know what I'm going to do when this friend of mine leaves. I have so few friends whom I trust with every detail of my life so having one of them leave the country? I just don't know how I'm going to cope. More alcohol, I guess.

I'm done with work and my friends. The only thing left to talk about is... him. How do I begin?

Well, it's still a bit of a mess. There hasn't been much progress but if I think about it, some things have changed. We've been talking a lot more consistently now. Although, not as much as him and his girl. Yes, his girl. Honestly though, I don't know if he's seeing anyone but I do know from a friend that he has a special lady in his life. And it's definitely not me. Sadly, I've accepted that fact and that we'll always probably be more than friends but less than lovers. It's kind of sad, isn't it? That I've grown used to this kind of relationship (or lack thereof). But I can't help it. I've tried cutting him out of my life but it just didn't work. I always caved in despite my futile attempts to stay strong. So, I just accepted it. Better this than nothing.

We did watch a movie together over the weekend though which was a first! I have a question though. Is it a date if you still need to ask yourself if it's a date? Although, I doubt it was a date since he was texting his girl the whole time. It bothered me, of course but I thought it best not to say anything since I didn't think I had the right to ask him to stop. We did hold hands though. And he kept hugging me from behind. He even kissed me on the side of my face while hugging me from behind. He was so sweet to me yet it all felt very... rehearsed. I don't know. Maybe I'm just thinking too much. Maybe I'm just putting too many meaning into things that didn't need to be put into meaning.

Another weird thing happened tonight. He sent me a message earlier telling me that I looked pretty today. That was the first time he's ever said anything like that to me. It's all very weird because it's not the him that I know. It's totally throwing me off because these are things that he's doing in which I don't know how I'll react. It's sweet and all but I don't know. I don't know what kind of game he's playing. Just when I thought I finally got a handle on how things were working for us, he suddenly throws this curve ball at me.

I am a thousand times more confused than ever.