Some Things Are Just Innate

One thing I realized today is that I really can't blame him for what happened to us. Okay, it's not really a realization but more of an affirmation. And I also can't blame myself for it. Things happened the way they did because that's how things are. I chose him over my friends, opportunities, and myself because it was innate. Yes, I wanted to experience more things but I turned them down because I loved him. I loved him so much that I chose him time and time again because it was innate in me, in us. We will always choose the ones we love over everything. I truly believe in that.

And it's not entirely a bad thing. I don't regret anything. We had our time and it was amazing. I will never ever forget the love we shared. But now it's my time. And this time, I'm gonna choose me. And it's going to be innate.

Allergies 2012

I've been having this weird allergy on my eyes lately. I'm not quite sure what triggered it but it's been a real bitch. It's not exactly my eyes that are itchy but rather the skin around it. So you can just imagine how dry that part of my face is since all I've been doing is rub them and dab on them. I know I should go to the doctors already and have this checked but I don't know why I can't seem to get my ass to the hospital. So because of this, I've been feeling super shitty lately and we all know that when you feel shitty, you look shitty.

Thank you body for giving up on me right now just when I'm going through some emotional shit. Everything just has to come crashing down at the same time, doesn't it? Sigh.

Lost In The Music

Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it♪♫♪

I'm trying to be friends with you again. It sucked not being able to talk to you. I hated it. I would rather be your friend than some random chick you had sex with. I like you enough that I would rather swallow my pride and pain than not have any sort of communication with you. What does that say about me?

Why can't you want me like the other boys do? They stare at me while I stare at you♪♫♪

Remember when we were talking earlier about being single when it's the end of the world and you said you had no choice then I joked that I still didn't have a chance with you even if it was the end of the world already and you didn't even disagree? Why didn't you? Am I that unattractive for you? Am I that unspecial to you that you will never ever see me that way? That even a disaster that could destroy the entire human population won't stir any romantic feelings in your heart for me?

Setting fire to our insides for fun to distract our hearts from ever missing them. But I'm forever missing him♪♫♪

Why can't we just go back to before? I miss us even though there was never really an us. I'd rather go back to that weird vague pseudo-relationship we had than the clear and well-defined just friends relationship we have now. Sigh.

Just Keep Swimming

I really don't know what I'm doing lately. I feel like each day, I'm digging a deeper hole for myself. I know I'm fucking things up. I know I'm doing more harm than good. But I can't stop. I just want to be able to step out of myself whenever I'm about to do something stupid and just slap myself in the face. Disaster averted! How easy is that? But of course, nothing is ever easy.

And this! This isn't easy. I feel like I've been thrown out of an airplane and right into the Pacific Ocean. I'm trying to swim against the current but I don't even know how to swim so basically I'm just drowning.

And I am drowning. I've been drowning myself in alcohol, smoking, going out, friends, even work! Drowning myself in anything that could distract me even for a little bit. It never works, though. So I just keep on doing it. I keep on drowning until I swim to the surface, gasping for air.

All Hope Is Gone

What am I doing with my life? I've been asking myself the same question for days now. I feel like I'm deliberately doing things just to get myself into deeper water. I feel like I'm out of control, a mess. I don't know how to stop it. Everything I do just makes me want to curl up into a ball and hide from the rest of the world. Everything just hurts.

When did I start fucking up my life? When did I lose my sense of reason? When did my judgment become impaired? When when when. Why why why.

I can't do this anymore. I can feel myself giving up. No matter how much I try to psyche myself into thinking that things will get better, reality keeps slapping me in the face. It's not gonna get better. Not anytime soon.

Tick Tock

Sometimes I wonder if what they told me is true. Sometimes I wonder if you really are back with her. I shouldn't even care but I do and that's what sucks. We didn't even have a relationship. Granted, we did hook up a couple of times but that doesn't necessarily equate that we're together. So why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like some psycho, clingy ex?

I thought I could do this. I thought I was ready for a casual, no strings attached kind of thing. But something happened along the way. When I gave my body to you, I also gave a part of me to you. I didn't just spread open my legs, I opened something inside of me.

And now I'm a mess. An emotional time bomb waiting to explode. I just hope that when I do go off, there won't be any casualties.

Rainy Day Blogging

It's been raining nonstop here for the past two days which means I've been stuck at home for way too long. Work has been suspended (thank God!) so I didn't have to brave the flood and the traffic. Although, I'm really worried about the workload when I get back. I can't believe I just said that. Am I turning into a workaholic? Am I becoming one of those people who let work revolve around their lives? Damn.

Being at home for the past two days has been therapeutic though. I needed to be alone. I've been meaning to get away from everyone--from him--for awhile now so this was exactly what the doctor ordered.

I think I'm getting used to this. Sure, I get bouts of loneliness once in awhile but who hasn't? I don't find myself wanting to be surrounded by people or craving to talk to someone anymore. I'm actually learning how to enjoy being by myself! Good job, Kimi!

Up And Down I Go

I've been meaning to update this since yesterday but I can't seem to find the words. My feelings have been on a roller coaster ride and I don't think I'm getting off any time now.

I backed out from talking to him yesterday. It wasn't cowardice on my part but rather realization. I realized that there's no point in talking to him, trying to define the relationship. I should've done that the first time we hooked up but I didn't. Well, I mean I tried to but I didn't pursue the question any further. What I'm trying to say is that ship has long set sail. Whatever limbo I'm stuck in right now is my fault. There are some things that are just too late.

Realization is the first step. Acceptance will be my second. Hopefully, the third one will be moving on.

DTR

I want to talk to you. I want to drag you out of your desk, take you somewhere we can be alone and just talk. I'll pretend to know what I'm doing but deep inside, I'll be shaking like there's no tomorrow. I'll feel my heart beating so fast and so hard that I'd be afraid you would hear it.

You'll ask me what I wanted to talk about. I'll try to delay by asking questions I know you won't tell me the whole truth to. How was your weekend? Did you go out? Who were you with? Did you go home with someone?

There will be silence. Lots of it. It would feel like forever but really, it's only been 5 minutes.

I'll try to compose myself. I'll try to practice what I'll say in my head even though I know when I say it, it won't come out like how I practiced it.

I'll look at my watch. I'm running out of time. I'll look at you and I'll see your impatience growing by the second. It's now or never.

I'll take a deep breath like I'm about to dive in ice cold water.

What are we? What am I to you?

Hello, Old Friend

It's 3 in the morning and I can't stop listening to Mr. Brightside. Hello, insomnia. We meet again.

I don't know why I made a new blog. I only logged into Blogger with the intent of deleting my cringe-inducing blogs that I created during high school but for some reason, I ended up starting a new one! I know I told myself I would go back to writing but I certainly didn't mean blogging! But alas, the deed has been done. Hello again, Blogger!

I guess this time around, I'll actually stick with it since lately this laptop has been open more times than my notebook has. Plus, editing's way easier and less messier!

Ha. Messy. That's exactly how I would describe my life right now. I can't shake off the feeling that this year has been out to get me. Yes, it's so much easier to blame the Year of the Dragon for the shit I've been going through than owning up to my mistakes! Yay me!

I feel like life is trying to teach me an important lesson here but can we just cut to the chase and get to it already? I'm really tired of feeling this way. Come on universe, give me a break.