NYE

New Year's Eve!! I can't believe 2012 is ending in 3 hours! It's scary how fast time flies even when you're not having fun. But I'm glad this year is almost over. 2012 has been so shitty so I can't wait what 2013 has in store for me. Hopefully nothing but good things!! :)

Thank you 2012 for a lot of things. You've been real shitty to me but you definitely made me learn a lot of lessons. This year I've been in a relationship, been single, been in some kind of love limbo, alone lonely hurt happy sad stressed excited lost overwhelmed but mostly just okay. I spent half of the year being with someone that when we broke things off, I was at a loss. I didn't know how to go on by myself. There were days where I felt like I made such a huge mistake but looking back now, I'm glad I made that decision for myself. I am much better now. I'm not exactly there yet but I'm getting there.

The thing I'm most thankful for this year is the fact that I got to be with my friends a lot. I probably would have gone insane if I didn't have any of them in my life. They always knew how to cheer me up, whether through jokes, alcohol or just simply being there for me. So thank you guys. I wish I could give all of you a hug and a kiss right now just because you're all so freaking amazing for bearing with all my shit this year. :)

I'm excited for 2013. I'm definitely ready for a clean slate. I will be happier this year. I just know it. :)

Happy New Year everyone!

Christmas Eve

Seasons greetings from Singapore! I'm currently on vacation and I came here to visit my relatives for the holidays. It's been a very busy past few days so far; full of walking and shopping! My body is so sore from all the walking and I can't help but get tired easily since I have no exercise whatsoever. I'm so exhausted right now that I feel like I'm gonna end up falling asleep on my laptop. Not good.

It's always nice to spend some quality time with my relatives but too much of it is never a good thing. I have this problem that I get annoyed easily with my relatives that's why I spend as little time with them as possible. Even with my mom! But this two week vacation is seriously testing my patience. It's only been 4 days and already I feel so irritated with all of them! It's nothing personal, really. I just don't like them being all up in my business and personal space. I miss my friends already. They're the only ones who know how to keep me sane. I can't wait to go back to Manila and go back to my normal routine.

I miss him. Although, I love the fact that we talk every day. We always send messages through Whatsapp and even go on FaceTime once in awhile. It's all really sweet, to be honest. Sigh.

I'm a bunch of emotions right now and I just really need to be alone with some cigs and beer. But instead, I'm going down to the living room to watch a movie with my relatives and endure some more torture. Cheers!

The Ghost Of You

I thought I saw you last night. I was headed out of the bar, ready to go home when I looked to my right and stopped dead on my tracks. My heart started beating faster and my breath got caught up in my throat. You had your back to me so you didn't see me. I immediately felt a wave of emotions come over me. I could feel myself walking towards you, wanting to reach out. But before I could do anything, I stopped myself and realized that wasn't you. I ended up chuckling and thinking what a relief or else I would have made a fool of myself.

I realized today that you're becoming more and more of a ghost. I can see you but I can't touch you. I can feel you but all I feel is coldness. You haunt me every day.

Downward Spiral

I truly believe that happiness comes with a price. We were okay. No, scratch that. We were more than okay. I honestly thought that this was it. It was finally happening for the both of us. We talked every day, we went out almost every night, we laughed, we held hands, we kissed, we cuddled, we were happy. But not everything is as it seems. Things went downhill as quickly as things were looking up for us. I don't know what happened. Suddenly, we weren't talking as much anymore, we weren't going out, we were avoiding each other. It just stopped. Why?

And now, I'm the bad guy. I asked him a few questions, albeit accusatory. Then things went from downhill to shitty mcshitty. Fine, I admit I shouldn't have argued with him but I think that was way overdue already. We've been doing this dance for months now and I just wanted to get some answers but instead, I end up looking like the bad guy. Where is the fairness in that? He says I'm the one making all this drama up and that he doesn't want it. Fine. That's exactly what you are anyway. You run at the first sight of trouble. You leave once things get too serious or emotional. I know exactly what you are. And that's why you will never find love.

I just want more. Is that so bad to ask for? Do I not deserve better than this? Do I not deserve someone who gives his all and not just half the effort? Why won't you just let me in?

A Week-Long Affair

I lost my phone tonight. And not just any phone, no. This phone is an iPhone 4S that I bought exactly a week ago with my hard earned money. I shelled out so much cash for this phone that I am literally so broke right now, I don't even know how I'll feed myself.

I knew it. I knew I shouldn't have gone out tonight. I already had a bad feeling the whole day that if I go out, something shitty was bound to happen. But of course, I ignored my gut feeling and still went out coz I didn't want to ditch my friend since "it's Halloween!" and "it's been ages since we last we went out!". So off I went willingly into my own demise.

I just can't believe this happened to me. There were a shitload of people inside that fucking club and I was the one that was targeted? Oh come on!! Seriously. Why me? Why did it have to be me? I just don't get it. I've never lost my phone before so why now? Is the universe trying to teach me a lesson or is it just trying to piss me off for real? And can we just talk about how I paid for that phone with my hard earned money? The hundred of hours I put into work all down the drain. It's just so fucking unfair.

I guess this post could come off as petty and shallow but it's not. It's a big deal for me. My whole life is in that phone and I can't believe some asshole stranger is now going through my life without my permission. My friends told me that the guy will get his karma soon but I'd rather just beat him up instead. I know it's my fault that my phone is gone coz I was probably being way too lax with my stuff but still, you're an ass for taking advantage of that. So thank you, asshole for making me work my ass off in the hopes of rewarding myself with a nice gadget only to have it taken away from me a week later. Thanks, a lot.

It's Not Gonna Happen Tonight

It's 3:45am. I'm at home, fixing my iTunes playlists (how exciting!) when my phone flashes that bright white light indicating a new message. I check it, already knowing what to expect. I see your name flashing. "R u out?" Yep, right on cue. I take a deep sigh and put my phone down. I contemplate replying but stop myself midway. No, you are not a booty call, I think to myself before going back to what I was originally doing. You both know where this will end if you reply so just stop it. You deserve better than this. Trying to convince yourself is a harder task when all you wanna do is give in.

I stop and think what I would have done if I was out tonight. What if my friend didn't text me too late and I was able to go out and have drinks with her? Would I have been too intoxicated by now to make any sound decisions? Would I have replied drunkenly a "Pick me uppppp" message? Would we be driving to your place right now, hands entwined and kissing whenever we'd reach a red light? Would we be going up your stairs and into your room where you'd push me to your bed and hurriedly take off each other's clothes? Would I be on my back and you on top and us moving up and down, up and down? Would you be touching, licking, kissing every part of my body? Would you be calling me "baby" by now? Would I be moaning and screaming and cursing? Would we be switching positions by now, from missionary to cowgirl to doggie? Would you be coming on my back and wiping it off after? Would we be cuddling and kissing some more and staring at each other and eventually falling asleep from exhaustion?

I'd like to think we'd be at least halfway done by now but we're not. You're there and I'm here. Maybe next time.

Not So Usual

Home on a Friday night. I'm so not used to this anymore. I was supposed to chill in a coffee shop again but I just didn't feel like being alone in a crowded place so I just went home instead. At least I can be alone at home and not have strangers think what a loser I am. I can be alone peacefully. Actually, I really didn't want to go home early tonight. I wanted to go out, drink a bit and just dance my ass off. But as always, life had other plans for me. So here I am, sitting on my fat ass and writing. Now I'm starting to think what a loser I am.

I've started reading again. I just finished reading Perks Of Being A Wallflower and halfway done with Looking For Alaska. I'm really glad I'm reading again after so long. I literally felt like my brain was dying from lack of reading so having to dive into such depressing books is like a cold shower; refreshing and awakening. I'm not sure why I lost interest in reading since I have a shitload of books still waiting to be read. I guess I just felt so pressured to read all these books that it just lost its appeal. But this time, I'm reading because I just want to. No pressure.

I've had a bit of good news at work lately. This month will be my last month in this wretched 3pm-12mn shift! I'll be back to 11am-8pm shift by next month which only means one thing: my social life is back! I'll finally be able to hang out with my friends on a daily basis instead of just seeing them on Friday or Saturday nights. Yes, I'm a very clingy friend. Especially now when I'm going through all these emotions!

Speaking of emotions, I feel like I'm going to explode anytime soon. I just have too much for this small body of mine to contain. Sometimes I find myself wishing that I could just stop feeling. I just want to be numb to everything. But I can't. I can't stop feeling. And it sucks coz all these emotions are getting me nowhere.

Fix Your Life

I'm weird? Are you serious right now? You're kidding me, right? I'm not the one who didn't text or make a move all weekend long then you'll tell me I'm weird? Tell me right now, what the fuck do you want from me? What the fuck do you expect from me? What are we even doing? Please, enlighten me what the hell this is because I think my being "weird" is more than justified.

I'm not being weird. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how I should act. Do you know how frustrating it is to not know what I am to you? I feel like I'm stuck in between being a friend and a lover to you. I can't be like that anymore. I don't want to be like that anymore! I'm either just a friend or I'm something more than that. So don't open up to me during our late night conversations then pretend like nothing happened the following day because that just drives me crazy! I don't know whether you were being honest and genuine with me or you were just trying to play some game with me. Please don't make me doubt myself any more than I already do.

I don't know what to think anymore. I'm so tired of having to make up excuses for your behavior. I'm so sick of understanding already. You told me you were difficult but honestly, I don't think you are. I think you just don't know what you want. So do me a favor and figure out what you want coz I am so close to walking out of that door.

No girl deserves this kind of crap. And I sure as hell don't deserve this shitty treatment from you when all I've ever done is be there for you.

Alone Is The New Black

If I could describe myself in one word, it would be alone. Lonely would be another word but let's talk about that some other time. I am alone. And I will be alone for awhile. It's not necessarily a bad thing since I've realized that it's good to be alone. It's not so bad.

I've always felt alone. I could pretend to be a psychologist and pinpoint it to the fact that I am an only child but regardless, it's an emotion I've felt all throughout my existence. And it's one that I'm starting to embrace.

I love to surround myself with people but lately, it just doesn't seem to work anymore. I could shut off my feelings before but I think I broke the switch. Now, I just feel more alone whenever I'm with anyone. So, I had this brilliant idea to be alone. For once, I wanted to try being by myself. I went to a coffee shop, bought myself a green tea frappe and salad, settled down in a corner, plugged in my iPod and started writing. At first, it felt daunting. I felt uncomfortable. But as the minutes passed, I slowly eased into it. Soon enough, I found myself enjoying it! I didn't care if I looked like some friendless loser spending Friday night by myself instead of going to a raging party at some club. I was alone and it felt good.

I tried it again earlier. I went to a coffee shop, ordered some food and retreated into a corner with my music and cigs. I realized then that it felt good to be alone because I could just focus on myself. I had no one to talk to except for myself. Well, of course I didn't talk to myself out loud since I didn't want anyone to think I was crazy or something. But I did have a conversation with myself. In my head. And we got to sort out a lot of things.

I really like being alone now. I'm actually looking forward to more alone days. I think this is exactly what I need right now. I just need to be by myself and figure things out, get to know myself some more and just be comfortable with the idea of being alone. I don't understand why it seems like taboo to be alone because honestly, I think we all need to be alone once in awhile.

Long Time Coming

It's been awhile since my last entry. I'm not exactly sure why I haven't written in awhile. I've been going out a lot lately, trying to keep myself busy. I don't really like staying at home since it just amplifies the lonely feeling. So I'd rather go out, spend almost all of my cash, drink and party than have to face being alone.

It hasn't been so bad. It was definitely an eventful September. It makes me sad that I didn't get to write down my feelings during these memorable experiences. As much as possible, I want to put down into words everything I'm feeling so having to miss out on jotting down my thoughts, my feelings sucks.

Anyway, enough about that.

Work has been crazy. I was in charge of a couple of stuff which was fun. It's always nice whenever I get entrusted with extra responsibilities. More work means less time to be idle means less time to think.

I've been going out every Friday and Saturday with friends. I'm usually out on bars during Fridays while Saturdays are usually just low key hang outs. The one thing that both days have in common is alcohol. Lots and lots of it. I've also been meeting new people which is always good. I remember telling myself that it's time for me to go out there and widen my circle of friends. Speaking of circle of friends, I have another close friend leaving the country. Sigh. I don't know what I'm going to do when this friend of mine leaves. I have so few friends whom I trust with every detail of my life so having one of them leave the country? I just don't know how I'm going to cope. More alcohol, I guess.

I'm done with work and my friends. The only thing left to talk about is... him. How do I begin?

Well, it's still a bit of a mess. There hasn't been much progress but if I think about it, some things have changed. We've been talking a lot more consistently now. Although, not as much as him and his girl. Yes, his girl. Honestly though, I don't know if he's seeing anyone but I do know from a friend that he has a special lady in his life. And it's definitely not me. Sadly, I've accepted that fact and that we'll always probably be more than friends but less than lovers. It's kind of sad, isn't it? That I've grown used to this kind of relationship (or lack thereof). But I can't help it. I've tried cutting him out of my life but it just didn't work. I always caved in despite my futile attempts to stay strong. So, I just accepted it. Better this than nothing.

We did watch a movie together over the weekend though which was a first! I have a question though. Is it a date if you still need to ask yourself if it's a date? Although, I doubt it was a date since he was texting his girl the whole time. It bothered me, of course but I thought it best not to say anything since I didn't think I had the right to ask him to stop. We did hold hands though. And he kept hugging me from behind. He even kissed me on the side of my face while hugging me from behind. He was so sweet to me yet it all felt very... rehearsed. I don't know. Maybe I'm just thinking too much. Maybe I'm just putting too many meaning into things that didn't need to be put into meaning.

Another weird thing happened tonight. He sent me a message earlier telling me that I looked pretty today. That was the first time he's ever said anything like that to me. It's all very weird because it's not the him that I know. It's totally throwing me off because these are things that he's doing in which I don't know how I'll react. It's sweet and all but I don't know. I don't know what kind of game he's playing. Just when I thought I finally got a handle on how things were working for us, he suddenly throws this curve ball at me.

I am a thousand times more confused than ever.

Long Nights Ahead

Spending my Saturday night at home is something I'll never get used to just because I hate being alone. I love being surrounded by people and as much as possible I try to avoid being by myself. It sucks. When I'm by myself, I can't help but be reminded of all the shitty things in my life. I just end up wasting my night thinking about him..

But I want to change that. I don't want to be afraid of being by myself anymore. I have to make more of an effort to fight this fear. Nights like these, I should be focusing on myself and no one else. I won't let him win this time.

I need to do this for myself. I have to be content with just being alone. I don't know how long I'm gonna have to go through life without someone by my side so I better get used to it already. And I'm starting tonight.

Always Here For You

After everything that I found out, I still can't resist you. What the hell is wrong with me? Just one look, one smile, one hello, one text from you and it's like you never did anything wrong. I'm mad at you. I'm fuming! But I still want to talk to you. I still want to be with you. Why? Am I really that stupid? Am I really that stubborn? Have I fallen so deep that I can't dig myself out anymore?

I accepted everything. When I found out about your past indiscretions, I accepted it. But now you're just deliberately doing this. You know how I feel about you so please have the decency to let me know if this is going anywhere. Coz I've been putting myself out there for you every day and you don't know how pathetic that makes me feel. But I still do it because I like you. I want you. I just can't deny it anymore.

I wish I can tell you these things but I'm scared. I don't wanna lose you which is pretty ironic since I can't even call you my own.

"One day, you realise that there are some people you'll never see again. At least, not in the same way." (IWTFY, 2012)

Keep doing this to me and you'll end up becoming a stranger. I won't always make excuses for your actions. I won't always defend you to my friends, to myself.

Playing Games

You are so confusing. Why can't you just be straight with me? I told you how I felt but that doesn't give you a reason to use that against me. That doesn't give you an excuse to tell me that you need me then act like you don't know me the next day. That doesn't give you the right to tell me that you want me then ignore me the next minute. Why do we have to keep playing these games? Why do I still let you play me?

I thought things would be easier if I told you how I felt. I thought I could start moving on. But all it did was give you more unnecessary power over me. I wish I could just quit you, cold turkey style but I know deep down it's not gonna happen.

Some Things Are Just Innate

One thing I realized today is that I really can't blame him for what happened to us. Okay, it's not really a realization but more of an affirmation. And I also can't blame myself for it. Things happened the way they did because that's how things are. I chose him over my friends, opportunities, and myself because it was innate. Yes, I wanted to experience more things but I turned them down because I loved him. I loved him so much that I chose him time and time again because it was innate in me, in us. We will always choose the ones we love over everything. I truly believe in that.

And it's not entirely a bad thing. I don't regret anything. We had our time and it was amazing. I will never ever forget the love we shared. But now it's my time. And this time, I'm gonna choose me. And it's going to be innate.

Allergies 2012

I've been having this weird allergy on my eyes lately. I'm not quite sure what triggered it but it's been a real bitch. It's not exactly my eyes that are itchy but rather the skin around it. So you can just imagine how dry that part of my face is since all I've been doing is rub them and dab on them. I know I should go to the doctors already and have this checked but I don't know why I can't seem to get my ass to the hospital. So because of this, I've been feeling super shitty lately and we all know that when you feel shitty, you look shitty.

Thank you body for giving up on me right now just when I'm going through some emotional shit. Everything just has to come crashing down at the same time, doesn't it? Sigh.

Lost In The Music

Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it♪♫♪

I'm trying to be friends with you again. It sucked not being able to talk to you. I hated it. I would rather be your friend than some random chick you had sex with. I like you enough that I would rather swallow my pride and pain than not have any sort of communication with you. What does that say about me?

Why can't you want me like the other boys do? They stare at me while I stare at you♪♫♪

Remember when we were talking earlier about being single when it's the end of the world and you said you had no choice then I joked that I still didn't have a chance with you even if it was the end of the world already and you didn't even disagree? Why didn't you? Am I that unattractive for you? Am I that unspecial to you that you will never ever see me that way? That even a disaster that could destroy the entire human population won't stir any romantic feelings in your heart for me?

Setting fire to our insides for fun to distract our hearts from ever missing them. But I'm forever missing him♪♫♪

Why can't we just go back to before? I miss us even though there was never really an us. I'd rather go back to that weird vague pseudo-relationship we had than the clear and well-defined just friends relationship we have now. Sigh.

Just Keep Swimming

I really don't know what I'm doing lately. I feel like each day, I'm digging a deeper hole for myself. I know I'm fucking things up. I know I'm doing more harm than good. But I can't stop. I just want to be able to step out of myself whenever I'm about to do something stupid and just slap myself in the face. Disaster averted! How easy is that? But of course, nothing is ever easy.

And this! This isn't easy. I feel like I've been thrown out of an airplane and right into the Pacific Ocean. I'm trying to swim against the current but I don't even know how to swim so basically I'm just drowning.

And I am drowning. I've been drowning myself in alcohol, smoking, going out, friends, even work! Drowning myself in anything that could distract me even for a little bit. It never works, though. So I just keep on doing it. I keep on drowning until I swim to the surface, gasping for air.

All Hope Is Gone

What am I doing with my life? I've been asking myself the same question for days now. I feel like I'm deliberately doing things just to get myself into deeper water. I feel like I'm out of control, a mess. I don't know how to stop it. Everything I do just makes me want to curl up into a ball and hide from the rest of the world. Everything just hurts.

When did I start fucking up my life? When did I lose my sense of reason? When did my judgment become impaired? When when when. Why why why.

I can't do this anymore. I can feel myself giving up. No matter how much I try to psyche myself into thinking that things will get better, reality keeps slapping me in the face. It's not gonna get better. Not anytime soon.

Tick Tock

Sometimes I wonder if what they told me is true. Sometimes I wonder if you really are back with her. I shouldn't even care but I do and that's what sucks. We didn't even have a relationship. Granted, we did hook up a couple of times but that doesn't necessarily equate that we're together. So why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like some psycho, clingy ex?

I thought I could do this. I thought I was ready for a casual, no strings attached kind of thing. But something happened along the way. When I gave my body to you, I also gave a part of me to you. I didn't just spread open my legs, I opened something inside of me.

And now I'm a mess. An emotional time bomb waiting to explode. I just hope that when I do go off, there won't be any casualties.

Rainy Day Blogging

It's been raining nonstop here for the past two days which means I've been stuck at home for way too long. Work has been suspended (thank God!) so I didn't have to brave the flood and the traffic. Although, I'm really worried about the workload when I get back. I can't believe I just said that. Am I turning into a workaholic? Am I becoming one of those people who let work revolve around their lives? Damn.

Being at home for the past two days has been therapeutic though. I needed to be alone. I've been meaning to get away from everyone--from him--for awhile now so this was exactly what the doctor ordered.

I think I'm getting used to this. Sure, I get bouts of loneliness once in awhile but who hasn't? I don't find myself wanting to be surrounded by people or craving to talk to someone anymore. I'm actually learning how to enjoy being by myself! Good job, Kimi!

Up And Down I Go

I've been meaning to update this since yesterday but I can't seem to find the words. My feelings have been on a roller coaster ride and I don't think I'm getting off any time now.

I backed out from talking to him yesterday. It wasn't cowardice on my part but rather realization. I realized that there's no point in talking to him, trying to define the relationship. I should've done that the first time we hooked up but I didn't. Well, I mean I tried to but I didn't pursue the question any further. What I'm trying to say is that ship has long set sail. Whatever limbo I'm stuck in right now is my fault. There are some things that are just too late.

Realization is the first step. Acceptance will be my second. Hopefully, the third one will be moving on.

DTR

I want to talk to you. I want to drag you out of your desk, take you somewhere we can be alone and just talk. I'll pretend to know what I'm doing but deep inside, I'll be shaking like there's no tomorrow. I'll feel my heart beating so fast and so hard that I'd be afraid you would hear it.

You'll ask me what I wanted to talk about. I'll try to delay by asking questions I know you won't tell me the whole truth to. How was your weekend? Did you go out? Who were you with? Did you go home with someone?

There will be silence. Lots of it. It would feel like forever but really, it's only been 5 minutes.

I'll try to compose myself. I'll try to practice what I'll say in my head even though I know when I say it, it won't come out like how I practiced it.

I'll look at my watch. I'm running out of time. I'll look at you and I'll see your impatience growing by the second. It's now or never.

I'll take a deep breath like I'm about to dive in ice cold water.

What are we? What am I to you?

Hello, Old Friend

It's 3 in the morning and I can't stop listening to Mr. Brightside. Hello, insomnia. We meet again.

I don't know why I made a new blog. I only logged into Blogger with the intent of deleting my cringe-inducing blogs that I created during high school but for some reason, I ended up starting a new one! I know I told myself I would go back to writing but I certainly didn't mean blogging! But alas, the deed has been done. Hello again, Blogger!

I guess this time around, I'll actually stick with it since lately this laptop has been open more times than my notebook has. Plus, editing's way easier and less messier!

Ha. Messy. That's exactly how I would describe my life right now. I can't shake off the feeling that this year has been out to get me. Yes, it's so much easier to blame the Year of the Dragon for the shit I've been going through than owning up to my mistakes! Yay me!

I feel like life is trying to teach me an important lesson here but can we just cut to the chase and get to it already? I'm really tired of feeling this way. Come on universe, give me a break.